My First Blog Post

Almost 40….

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

Now that I am fast approaching 40, having just celebrated my 37th birthday I can’t help but think about my life. As I laid awake last night desperately wanting to sleep, my mind was busy racing with thoughts like did I make good decisions, was a good to the people around me, am I happy with where I am at in my life, what should I or could I have done differently? Not to mention, you think of your health or the wrinkles that are slowly, but surely starting to make their appearance on your face.

40 is not old by any means, but I feel like it’s a mile marker where I should have accomplished some things. I feel like I should have something to show for almost 40 years of life.  Just like most, I am my own worst critic. It is rare that I feel satisfied with anything I do. Did I mention that in addition to being my own worst critic, I am also unrelenting.  I will work my ass off and give 100% of myself to something just to tear it apart later thinking of everything that would have made it better.

There are a few things though, that I can honestly say I have done well at. For one,  I love fiercely.  I go above and beyond to make others happy or to help someone else.  I think I am a pretty good mom and I hope I am considered a good friend.  I can honestly say that If I have loved you in my lifetime, I made an impact on you in some way that bettered you. I know this because I am the type of person that deliberately thought of how I could add value to your life. I am not saying I am perfect or that you appreciated my contribution… I don’t always know what is best for others, although I often like to think I do.  What I do know with absolute confidence is that I paid attention, I did what I thought was best, and I tried.

I am that girl that will love you long after I should, and if I am being honest probably always will. I will give you the last dollar I have if you tell me you need it. I will always except your apology, all you have to do is ask. I pick up garbage when others or too lazy to do so their selves. I volunteer when I can,  but Is this enough?

  I am 37 years old and in college for the first time. I don’t own my own home, I don’t have a job that is going to get me any further in life than I am right now, and I am not married with a perfect family.  Let’s be honest… I am a 37 year old, divorced, single mother that works a part time and full time job. Worst, I still live paycheck to paycheck. Ooh and did I mention the wrinkles?!

If I were to summarize the internal battle I had with my own thoughts last night, I would say that although I haven’t participated in finding a cure for illness, I haven’t stopped world hunger, or secured a promising future, or even figured out how to make Christmas happen yet this year, I am proud of my accomplishments however miniscule they may be. 

I raised a wonderful child and was privy enough to help with upbringing of another amazing child. I help when and where I can, and I try (not always with success) to be a good person. Most importantly, I know I have taught my son to be kind and to be a good man. I know that even if I don’t make a detrimental impact on the world or the people around me, I have contributed to someone who might.

In conclusion, it’s safe to say I may be going through a midlife crisis…Okay, okay, just kidding. Lets try this again- In conclusion, I am okay with who I am, and I am starting to appreciate every wrinkle because… well I earned them! Although unwarranted, you are welcome for this peak into the restless thoughts of a newly 37 year old.

How rude of me

On a whim yesterday I decided to start a blog. See what had happened was I was up all night thinking about well… everything really. Since I could not sleep, I wrote. When I was a child I journaled a lot and I really enjoyed the outlet it provided for me and all my thoughts. This was until my parents found my journals and I quickly learned the valuable lesson that writing down all my feelings for whoever to get their hands on was not the greatest idea. I am sure you can imagine what a pre-teen or teen may have wrote about and needless to say, I was pretty horrified. 

Anyways, back to the reason for this post. How rude was I not to introduce myself?! My apologies, I got a little carried away. My name is Kris.  I am a single mother of a redheaded fiery, but sweet 12 year old boy.  Can I please just take two seconds to talk about having a “Tween”?  Where is the manual or warning label for this? I have been trying to recall if I was so boy crazy as my son and his friends are girl crazy at 12 years old. And another thing, when did it become the cool thing to think nothing was cool? Are all Pre-teens (tweens) so disinterested in literally everything?

He guys what do you want to eat? Response: I don’t care. Do you like this pair of shoes for school? Response: I don’t know.  Would you like your mom to walk you into class  dressed as clown? Response: (slowly looking up from whatever electronic they are currently using) I don’t care. I tell you what, I wish I had a fast forward button for this phase.

Sorry, back to my introduction. Ill be honest, I don’t have a foolproof plan for this. My goal is to share my experiences, my life, things I have learned; in hopes that I might make you laugh, identify or relate.  If we are lucky I can teach you something and save you the trouble of having to learn the hard way like I most likely did.