My First Blog Post

Almost 40….

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

Now that I am fast approaching 40, having just celebrated my 37th birthday I can’t help but think about my life. As I laid awake last night desperately wanting to sleep, my mind was busy racing with thoughts like did I make good decisions, was a good to the people around me, am I happy with where I am at in my life, what should I or could I have done differently? Not to mention, you think of your health or the wrinkles that are slowly, but surely starting to make their appearance on your face.

40 is not old by any means, but I feel like it’s a mile marker where I should have accomplished some things. I feel like I should have something to show for almost 40 years of life.  Just like most, I am my own worst critic. It is rare that I feel satisfied with anything I do. Did I mention that in addition to being my own worst critic, I am also unrelenting.  I will work my ass off and give 100% of myself to something just to tear it apart later thinking of everything that would have made it better.

There are a few things though, that I can honestly say I have done well at. For one,  I love fiercely.  I go above and beyond to make others happy or to help someone else.  I think I am a pretty good mom and I hope I am considered a good friend.  I can honestly say that If I have loved you in my lifetime, I made an impact on you in some way that bettered you. I know this because I am the type of person that deliberately thought of how I could add value to your life. I am not saying I am perfect or that you appreciated my contribution… I don’t always know what is best for others, although I often like to think I do.  What I do know with absolute confidence is that I paid attention, I did what I thought was best, and I tried.

I am that girl that will love you long after I should, and if I am being honest probably always will. I will give you the last dollar I have if you tell me you need it. I will always except your apology, all you have to do is ask. I pick up garbage when others or too lazy to do so their selves. I volunteer when I can,  but Is this enough?

  I am 37 years old and in college for the first time. I don’t own my own home, I don’t have a job that is going to get me any further in life than I am right now, and I am not married with a perfect family.  Let’s be honest… I am a 37 year old, divorced, single mother that works a part time and full time job. Worst, I still live paycheck to paycheck. Ooh and did I mention the wrinkles?!

If I were to summarize the internal battle I had with my own thoughts last night, I would say that although I haven’t participated in finding a cure for illness, I haven’t stopped world hunger, or secured a promising future, or even figured out how to make Christmas happen yet this year, I am proud of my accomplishments however miniscule they may be. 

I raised a wonderful child and was privy enough to help with upbringing of another amazing child. I help when and where I can, and I try (not always with success) to be a good person. Most importantly, I know I have taught my son to be kind and to be a good man. I know that even if I don’t make a detrimental impact on the world or the people around me, I have contributed to someone who might.

In conclusion, it’s safe to say I may be going through a midlife crisis…Okay, okay, just kidding. Lets try this again- In conclusion, I am okay with who I am, and I am starting to appreciate every wrinkle because… well I earned them! Although unwarranted, you are welcome for this peak into the restless thoughts of a newly 37 year old.

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